The one glorious moment that saved my night

So let me paint the picture for you... I'm settling down to watch an ESPN NBA doubleheader (why you ask. Simple. I'm a Sado-Masochist). Two meaningless games that will no doubt be sloppily played, the first of which featuring a Dwayne-Wade-less 0-3 Heat club vs. the defending champion and dreadfully annoying (in a worse than the New England Patriots sort of way) San Antonio Spurs. Moreover, I have to suffer through the NBA officials who seem to have no fucking clue how to referee the Spurs fairly (see last years game 3 suns vs. spurs-- after which Bill Simmons wrote "What a travesty. Not since the cocaine era has the league faced a bigger ongoing issue than crappy officiating" and that doesn't even refer to the suspensions or that one Tim Donaghy happened to call that game. Fuckin Stern!). Last but not least, I have to watch the Heat, a team who really blows right now, try and defend the Spurs who, unlike most of the NBA, actually know how to move the ball (even if that ball movement happens to lull even meth addicts to sleep).

Ok, so long story short, I'm settling in for a god-awful NBA matchup. Only something strange is happening. As if magically, the Heat are actually playing... defense.

Wow! In the 4th game of the season no less. They're switching well, hustling to the corners to stop Bowen from getting off 3s, but not overplaying. Even Duncan looks frustrated. Midway through the 2nd quarter, after 6 or so possessions without a basket, the Spurs are down 4 or so and I'm encouraged...

But then it starts, and I get that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach. Ginobili hits a 3. It's sort of like a mini-version of communal groundhog day that all of us share so I trust you know what happens next. Ginobili drives past somebody (maybe Dorell Wright) and gets fouled. It's light but he pulls a soccer flop (par for the course) and flails his arms like he just took a flagrant 2. Dorell Wright accidentally bumps Manu's chest as he walks by after the foul. Ginobili takes it as a personal affront and starts jawing in Wright's face, at the same time complaining to an official. I silently sigh to myself. The only thing more more annoying than 'whiny Ginobili' is 'angry Ginobili' who is about to GO OFF on the Heat.

On the next possession he steps back and hits a 3 in Ricky Davis's face. The jawing begins. Here we go again. Fuckin Ginobili....

Now in a brief aside before I get to the end of this little tale. I recognize that Manu is probably the best 6th man in the league (yeah better than Terry) and a ridiculously talented scorer, but of all the spurs he's really the best one to hate. I mean when Duncan flails his arms looking for an easy call in the post at least he just looks awkward... he doesn't plow straight into defenders like a bull in a china shop and then go into a mid-air semi-seizure like our good pal Manu. Even worse, though Ginobili gets up and complains about the foul after he flops. He's constantly rubbing his head or clutching a knee, whining to the refs, glowering at whoever was close enough as he drove to receive a flung elbow or knee after he got stuck under the rim and needed a bail out. He's taken all the most retarded parts of the game of soccer (namely the strategy of building cheating into your everyday game in order to force refs to make difficult calls) and brought them to basketball. And unlike Vlade Divac whose 'charge flop with excessive butt slide' only brought a wry smile to my lips like an unacknowledged Grandpa fart, Manu's flops actually screw up to the game... while Vlade was merely fishing for an iffy call (which usually produced a no call if the official saw what he was trying to pull), Manu acting like he's getting a c-section mid-layup almost forces a call one way or another (esp. considering how whistle happy NBA refs have been the past few years), so unless his knee just happened to flail into Ricky Davis's face, most times Manu gets the call. Unfortunately, unlike soccer, which Manu's unique style of play so closely mimics, you almost never get a foul or a tech for flopping, or in his case making a move with the sole-intention of making it look like you're getting HAMMERED... until now.

Which brings me back to my story. Still yapping in Davis's face Manu nails another tough 3 ball. He is about to fully go off on the Heat, who's textbook defense is about to fully expire (and it did later in the 2nd half), when something beautiful happens. Knowing he just hit 2 bombs in a row, Manu decides he'd like an easy one. So he pulls up at the arc, pump fakes, gets Dorell Wright in the air, and then (patentedly) flails his body forward into the descending Wright a la Reggie Miller, Kobe, AI, et al (a la Ginobili when I really think about it). The ref blows the whistle. 'FUCKING GINOBILI!' I think. But there's some sort of David Stern magic in the air (sarcasm. I hate that fucker) and the ref calls an offensive foul.

In my one vocal outburst of the entire game I literally jumped up in exaltation. It was the perfect moment. For one split second good triumphed over evil. Ginobili attempted the cheapest of cheap foul flops and finally paid the price. Glorious.

(A short explanation: the NBA's main rule change in the off-season involved defensive players, mainly big men, being allowed to jump straight up and not incur a foul even if the offensive player hits them while they are jumping as long as the jump doesn't move forward-- Tim and Manu beware. This was a way overdue rule.)

Anyway, Manu jumped forward, created the contact himself, and (with all the elbow-windmilling-gusto you might expect) created the offensive foul himself as well. I love this game!*

Yes, many of you may correctly ascertain that I'm sort of insane for writing a post like this, but hopefully some of you will understand the glory that was this small payback for all the years of unfair playoffs calls that went Manu's way.

...

After said foul Ginobili, of course, continued to dominate the game (showing a surprising lack of flopping) leading to an uninterestingly comfortable, yet inevitably meaningless, Spurs win. But none of that mattered.


*Actually, I really only love this game in the playoffs, or when David Blaine is cooing me to sleep with his soft baritone vibrato descriptions the 2 small men that make up one Yao.

ps. some good Youtube clips regarding the Manu phenomenon:

This was a foul but definitely didn't deserve the soccer-foul-reaction


pps. I don't hate D-wade as much, but he did get 50+ odd free throws in a finals game. And this is clever:


ppps. finally I have to show this since I mentioned spurs suns (also linked it above). Perhaps what's scary then the thought that Donaghy could have thrown this game, is the thought that he probably didn't and that the refs are just that bad. Reliving some of these calls literally made my muscles tense up. It was a great series but really tough to watch without getting really really angry:

"It's like someone tasered my mouth"

Wow, ESPN is stretching with this. It was entertaining though:

Les Miles Saved Again...

...by a bad replay call and some seriously shoddy handling of the football by JP Wilson.

YET AGAIN Les Miles made some ridiculous moves (that 10 player shift meant to simulate a snap thus penalizing his team with the aptly named "simulated snap" penalty... nice one Les) and yet his team (esp. Early Doucet who made a ridiculous touchdown catch and run on a critical 4th and 3 in the final quarter) pulled him out on top yet again....

And you know what's the best part of this "magical" LSU run? Because they aren't playing that great and so they end up only squeaking out wins against moderately good SEC teams, everybody across the nation is watching their games instead of, say, the Oregon games and thus they get more national hype and are seen as the team that refuses to lose. All this because they happen to play fairly mediocre week in and week out.

But oh no the haterade doesn't stop there... the fact is that those mediocrely played, uneccessarily close SEC games also make the conference itself look better. After all, look at all these teams that are good enough to play a great team like LSU so close... hmmmm seems like a viciously stupid cycle (or, rather, logical fallacy) to me. Maybe the pac-10 would do well to have USC, Cal, Oregon and ASU give up some easy points to the Stanfords, Washingtons and Oregon States of the conference. It'll only help their ranking in the long run.

I think the worst part about it though is that probably LSU should have lost the game because the overturned 40 yard grab by Alabama receiver Matt Caddell was clearly a catch. The way I saw it (and I went over it several times in slow-mo) Caddell caught the ball went to the ground the ball touched the ground with Caddell still grasping it firmly with two hands. Then as Caddell rolled over the ball it jostled the tiniest bit but at that point both of Caddell's hands were under the ball and it wasn't touching the ground. If that review was conclusive enough to OVERTURN a catch then I don't know how you can possibly make a diving catch in college football and have it count... that shit was ridiculous....

That said, the catch would have given 'bama the ball inside the LSU 20 but who knows if they would have scored points at that point or how the game would have changed from there on out. Obviously 'bama scored on a punt return so they still had the lead and should have had a decent chance to win had not John Parker Wilson held the ball out like he was fucking Michael Vick while he was getting sacked. If somebody's foot can knock the ball loose as you fall to the ground.... maybe you're HOLDING IT WRONG.

Ok, after all the madness is over I'm guessing that not enough people have watched Oregon go ape shit on USC and ASU the past two weeks and that LSU will now move to #2 in the BCS despite playing so-so for the 3rd week in a row. You know it, I know it, that's what's gonna happen.

BC might drop out of the top ten because of who they lost to (and Matt Ryan won't win the Heisman either... thank God) and how moderately good they've played as of late. But I think
ASU should just barely stay in. Here's how I think the BCS top ten SHOULD look (if things were fair, but they aren't because for some reason the computers (and everyone else for that matter) have a massive hard on for the SEC):

1) Ohio State
2) Oregon
3) LSU
4) Oklahoma
5) Kansas (that was a legitimate route on A&M)
6) West Virginia
7) Missouri
8) Arizona State
9) Georgia
10) Boston College

I'm guessing that somehow, even though Oregon just beat an undefeated #4 team and their only loss was to a good team on an iffy call that was made by a matter of centimeters, they won't leap frog LSU in the real rankings and that ASU will probably get kicked out of the top 10 as well. After all the Pac-10 gets about as much respect as the coarse grooves of my taint do. Wait what? Anyway...

Here's an interesting thought though... because I really still do feel like LSU is playing with fire and will get beat (probably in the SEC championship game, I still think by Georgia). Let's say Oregon is number 2 going into the conference championships and neither Oklahoma nor Kansas have lost at that point leaving them 3 and 4 in whatever order. I don't see how the winner of that Big 12 championship (whoever it is) can be denied a BCS title bid. After all it would be such a huge win for either squad esp. if Kansas went undefeated and beat oklahoma in the process. You couldn't possibly keep them out at that point. You couldn't say that Kansas controls their own destiny really b/c they need OK to win too but they definitely have a legitimate shot. It's all very interesting, but the fact that they need another team to win in order to make their undefeated season "legitimate enough" is retarded... we need at least a 4 team playoff (one added bowl) NOW. Stop saying 'when the money is there, we'll get it' Kirk Herbstreet... the money IS clearly their fucktard! Sorry I'm getting worked up again, mama needs her vapors.

Then again who knows what will happen with those top 6 teams by the time the season ends: Ohio State could easily lose (even Illinois could be tough), and Kansas still has OSU and Missouri, and West VA still has some great games coming (Louisville, Uconn, Cincy) so I shouldn't get ahead of myself... perhaps the one thing we know is that (barring Dixon's sprain being more severe than it looked) Oregon is a sick team and will have to REALLY fuck things up to lose another game...

Final thoughts: the PAC-10 would be mightily helped in the BCS picture if they got themselves a title game but it's unlikely to happen, and once we get playoffs the point will be moot. Also, to my beloved LSU, I really don't hate you, in fact you've provided some incredible college football moments this year and I thank you for that immensely. I just... don't think you're that awesome I guess. Nothing Personal....

PS. Les Miles I actually do hate you. Lucky bastard.

2 Early Reasons Why You Will Soon Forget Greg "Big Country" Oden

The NBA debuted this week and as usual I am more excited about it than I should be and as usual I can tell that my excitement has no chance of lasting through the meaningless (and defenseless) droll that is the NBA regular season. So I guess I'll post about "The League" now why the going is good because in 3 months let's face it... I'm not gonna give a crap... a feeling that reaches the pinnacle of its don't-give-a-shit-ocity right around the all-star-break at which point all truth and virtue seems to be sucked from the teet of the very sport I grew up devoting myself to... like carnation, it just don't taste the same, folks.

I'm not sure if it's the crowds, the lack of defense (or even running/trying very hard) or the uselessness of nearly half of the schedule... due to the fact that it just doesnt matter that much, but (unlike with football, normally) I much prefer NCAA ball to NBA. Regardless, that is another matter for another post. So for now I prefer to bask in the hype that is early season NBA ball. All the drama it (falsely promises) and all the twist and turns that seem eminent just ahead (spurs will win again, I promise). Ok I'll stop with the cynicism. 2 initial thoughts:

1) Kevin Durant is a bonafide stud... seriously, in today's NBA how on earth could anyone pick Greg Oden (who I subconsciously called "Odom" today... how fitting... hahaha) over Durant. The Trailblazers are run by absolute morons. First of all, the game has been getting faster (and less built for pure post players) for a long time now. There is a reason nobody (even shaq) plays like shaq anymore. But even more glaring, Oden is an oaf who's face looks like he should be somebody's grandpa... I mean come on people... even his face screams: 'watch out for the osteoperosis all my bones are about to shatter!' Please I beseach you: look at those two faces and tell me who's gonna be the better player... if you say Oden you're one sick fuck.

But more importantly Durant is MONEY. Once that guy puts on weight he will be the best pure scorer to enter the league since Lebron. He's got Dirk type shots, with twice dirk's speed, and eventually he'll be able to finish with (and over) the big boys. Moreover, when the Sonics had nobody to go to (for good reason) in that Suns game thursday he started coming off screens and scoring over double teams, even when he had to force it he hit a step-back three (and who's gonna block him with that wing span)... in his 2ND GAME! Dust off the kid!

I will personally guarantee that Durant wins rookie of the year at this point... the only rookie that's even close to the scorer that he is is the Clip's Al Thornton (but he's sort of a gunner anyway). If they can keep this young core of players together, the seattle (*cough* oklahoma city) supersonics will be a force to be reckoned with 5 yrs down the line.

I'm just confused because it seemed obvious (at least to me) that Durant and, to a lesser extent, Corey Brewer were the only rookies with NBA type game. Seriously, how can you expect Horford, for instance, to dominate like he did in college without any of the same weight or height advantages. Noah I like purely because he will turn out to be a great garbage man/scrapper for a good team that needs a rebounder/role player a la Dennis Rodman, but Horford and Odom... can anyone say Sharone Wright (actually you can't b/c u don't remember WHO THE FUCK THAT EVEN WAS ... he doesn't even have a picture on file) . Anyway, the point is that oafy big men with nothing but slow low-post game are known to be draft busts... yeah we all wanted Eric Montross, Shawn Bradley, Bryant "Big Country" Reeves, Lorenzen Wright, Tony Battie, Adonal Foyle, Michael Olawakandi, Raef LaFrentz, Robert "Tractor" Traylor, Christian Laettner and Emeka Okafor (you know I'll be right about this one too) to be good... but we all knew they wouldn't be. Maybe there should be a rule put in place that if your name includes a nickname about how fat you are... then you shouldn't be drafted in the top 10... just a thought. Perhaps the only player to disprove this theory of oafy 6'11 forward/centers that are appraised way above their NBA value because of how much they wrecked shorter guys in college, is Elton Brand. But you'll notice that Elton has had to completely change his game in order to become a star-- now his go to move is a mid-range fade-away whereas in college it would be a shaq-like post up into a monster dunk.

2) One really surprising name to look out for this year: (as if the Warriors need more guys that can score) did anybody catch Kelenna Azubuike drop 33 last night on the Clippers? Holy lord that guy has game, and for the past 2 seasons he's been cut by two teams in training camp and played D-league ball. Wow! Somebody made a mistake somewhere because he's a stud, and extremely aggressive (and that's considering he plays on the warriors) but without forcing the issue. He went 12-17 with 8 boards. Again... Wow! He even made more than half of his 3-pt. attempts (2/3) is that the first time that's happened in the history of the Nelly-ball Warriors?

All that and GS still lost. There's a good analysis of how much better he looked than the rest of his typically Wyatt Earp-ing teammates in this blog. Then again, Earp of all Earps, Steven Jackson wasn't playing due to his 7 game suspension, but come on he's by far the most entertaining (and streaky/self-destructive) player in the league I think he should be able to shoot a gun into the air outside a nightclub if he wants to. But back to Azubuikeabahs boomshe-boomshe....

The best part of this whole tale is his backstory. The kid had to enter the draft a year early to support his family after his dad apparently went to jail in Nigeria for fraud charges. Crazy! But it gets better. According to wikipedia this is how he got signed by the Warriors midway through last year:

"On January 2, 2007, the Golden State Warriors signed Azubuike to shore up their injury-plagued backcourt. Details on the contract are not yet known. Warriors head coach Don Nelson joked that he didn't know that he was signing Azubuike, claiming that he was called by Warriors general manager Chris Mullin, who asked if he liked sambuca and when he replied "yes", Mullin signed Azubuike."

All that and the guy (despite the fact that nobody can spell his name) might just be the most promising player on your squad... ridiculous. Some call it "Nelly-ball" I call it "Nelly-Magic." Of course Nelly Belly did lose to a ridiculously depleted clippers team last night but just wait til April when he'll use some secret voodoo trick to turn Golden State's season miraculously around... again.